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The Joke Thread
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Justin
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 07, 2009 6:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

text message someone fwd to me:
A man tells his wife, when I die I want you to put my ashes in your salsa so I can tear your ass up one more time.

Laughing Embarassed
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EvilJuan
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 11, 2009 1:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is truly classic material: the Tom Lehrer channel at YouTube.

All safe for work -- unless humor has been banned at your workplace... Wink
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EvilJuan
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 14, 2009 11:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Obama Health Care Reform Proposal
as viewed by the American Medical Association

The American Medical Association (which represents 17% of US Medical Doctors) has weighed in on Obama's new health care package. Here is a summary of their findings:

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, grow up!'

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The Internists thought it a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.
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DesertKnight
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 15, 2009 5:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

North Korea gets its boogie on

Link
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EvilJuan
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 15, 2009 2:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

DesertKnight wrote:
North Korea gets its boogie on

Link


Someone definitely has too much time on their hands! Laughing

And I guess that applies to me, 'cause I watched it! Wink
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Justin
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 26, 2009 10:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

For the mods:



Laughing
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EvilJuan
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 27, 2009 12:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This one is safe for work... unless your workplace is funded by the government! Razz

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LO2eh6f5Go0&feature=player_embedded

You may have seen this already in the "Air America" thread, as it's been posted twice... Wink
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Adam
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 27, 2009 10:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

safe for work

www.youtube.com/watch?v=G0zDHjkd264
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EvilJuan
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 24, 2009 1:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote


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Last edited by EvilJuan on Mon Sep 28, 2009 1:23 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Justin
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 24, 2009 6:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Laughing
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qudjy1
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 27, 2009 4:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Real Victims of the Health Insurance Debate - Health INsurance Executives
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DesertKnight
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 28, 2009 2:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Israeli commercial--so that's how the Israelites found their way out of the desert...
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qudjy1
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 28, 2009 3:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Perfect answer to those people asking questions who are too lazy to google it themselves.

http://lmgtfy.com/?q=can+you+cry+underwater%3F
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B. O. N. D.
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 27, 2009 2:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote


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Justin
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Location: Marana

PostPosted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 9:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

FSNAZ Facebook wrote:
FOX Sports Arizona Happy Anniversary D-backs fans! 8 years ago tonight -- Game #7 of the 2001 World Series.


one of the comments read

Quote:
Oh man, I was at that game, it was insane, when Kim gave up that homerun my brother started crying(he was like 16 at the time). But it will most likely go down as the greatest sporting event of my life (Unless I see the Cards win a Superbowl firsthand)


Lmao, You were in the Bronx then?

I wasnt aware that Kim made an appearance in game 7 lol An absolute gem!
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matt
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 23, 2009 1:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer - we'd both still be alive...
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NJ-DBACKS-FAN
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Location: At 25/73 CY24 will make me drop my pants. count down: 8 hr 10 rbi to go

PostPosted: Mon Nov 23, 2009 2:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

washington redskins "O"
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win the series make the playoffs
series record to date 11-19-3
april 11-12 | may 9-20 | june 11-16
july 7-17 | aug |sept/oct

im getting close to getting on the blow it up bus Sad
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matt
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 20, 2009 12:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.’

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically' ?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially,' you and I are sitting on three million dollars. But 'realistically,' we're living with two hookers and a homo.'
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TAP
"Personality of a thumb-tack" - E Byrnes


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 20, 2009 12:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

• A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cellphone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm voice says, “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, and then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says, “OK, now what?”

• A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
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matt
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 20, 2009 2:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Those are great TAP.
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TAP
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 20, 2009 2:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

matt wrote:
Those are great TAP.

Yours busted me up too. Laughing
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Justin
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 30, 2009 1:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote


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EvilJuan
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PostPosted: Tue Jan 05, 2010 3:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Got this today from a friend, and laughed so hard I could hardly see!

How To Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.



How To Shower Like a Man

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair.

Make a Shampoo Mohican

Wee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.

Admire willy size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

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EvilJuan
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 27, 2010 3:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

During a recent password audit at a company, it was found that a blond
receptionist was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that
it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital...
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matt
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 02, 2010 4:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Saw this on facebook:

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of mixed emotions. The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time". She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis."
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