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The Joke Thread
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sb24ws2005
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PostPosted: Sat May 02, 2009 10:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Source of Swine Flu
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DesertKnight
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PostPosted: Sun May 03, 2009 11:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

just say nay wrote:
Yahoo apparently is into stereotyping:
http://news.yahoo.com/nphotos/face-mask/photo//090502/481/3ba67ed0991948aba779d8fa6f19847a//s:/ap/20090503/ap_on_re_la_am_ca/med_swine_flu


That's not too bad. Now, if the caption was, "A punk, who just beat up an old lady and sacrificed her cat to Satan while listening to Slayer and wearing a face mask as a precaution against swine flu..."--THAT would be funny...um, I mean, offensive to the rebellious youth demographic.
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Justin
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PostPosted: Fri May 08, 2009 4:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

a joke someone sent me:

The economy is so bad that some women are having sex just because they cant afford the batteries. Laughing
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EvilJuan
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PostPosted: Tue May 12, 2009 8:50 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Not a joke, but I thought it was clever/funny:

404 File Not Found

Laughing
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Dewberry
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PostPosted: Thu May 14, 2009 5:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and
walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.
The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.
He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peters legs
and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same ------- elephant.
This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming BS stories.
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Dewberry
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PostPosted: Thu May 14, 2009 5:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, and to alleviate further confusion, the following definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home at midnight after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys,
smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.
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TAP
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PostPosted: Sun May 17, 2009 4:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

"Hello?"

"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy, Right now."

Brief Pause.

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay, Daddy, Just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it, Daddy."

"And what happened, honey?"

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my goodness!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

Long Pause

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"
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YBC-Dog
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PostPosted: Tue May 26, 2009 12:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Not sure where to put this, but someone forwarded it to me a couple days ago and I laughed my ass off.

The site is poorly designed so you need to make sure to click the Older Entries link at the bottom of the page to navigate through the site.

http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/
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Justin
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 03, 2009 1:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

one day a dumb blonde kept going out to her mailbox checking the inside and going back inside. The neighbor watched her do this and he said what the heck are you doing? she said the stupid computer keeps on saying I have mail.
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Oden
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 09, 2009 12:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Copied from email (not going to correct the case):

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK. THE BLONDE REPLIES, 'I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE.'

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE COPILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT. THE COPILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT. THE BLONDE REPLIES, 'I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE.'

THE COPILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON. THE PILOT SAYS, 'YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE.'

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, 'OH, I'M SORRY.' AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND COPILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS. I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON.
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matt
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 09, 2009 2:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Awesome
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EvilJuan
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 26, 2009 11:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Catholic guy goes into the confessional box. He notices on one side a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars. Then the priest comes in.

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."

The priest replies "Get out. You're on my side."
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DesertKnight
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 18, 2009 1:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The budget cuts have gone too far....

Hell, I'd start a war just to have an excuse to use that thing!
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Dewberry
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 23, 2009 6:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

THE BLACK BRA

The other day I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged,
one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by
wearing a black leather bra & bodice, stiletto heels and a mask over just
our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it
all went:

My engaged friend:
The other night my boyfriend came over and found me wearing a black leather
bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of
my dreams. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the
leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened
the raincoat he didn't say a word but we had wild sex all night.


Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings,
stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me
he said...

"What's for dinner, Batman?"
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Justin
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 23, 2009 11:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dewberry wrote:
and of course I have been married for 20+ years.


So you got married when you were 10 or 12? Laughing

Couldnt resist.
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Dewberry
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 24, 2009 6:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

this is just in , he made a funny (get it play on words Justin-just in)
Wink Wink Wink JK JK
yes i'm aware that wasn't funny
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EvilJuan
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 30, 2009 10:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

What Welshmen Do for Fun

Definitely safe for work -- unless laughing uproariously is frowned upon!

No sheep were harmed during the making of this film.

Laughing Laughing Laughing
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EvilJuan
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 03, 2009 7:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Just received this as an email:

Quote:
It all makes perfect sense now.........
The year is 1947

Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico .. This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations..

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:

Albert A. Gore, Jr.
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep and jackasses?

I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you. It did for me.

No wonder they support the bill to help illegal aliens!

Now You Know.

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DesertKnight
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 03, 2009 8:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

EvilJuan wrote:
Just received this as an email:

Quote:
It all makes perfect sense now.........
The year is 1947

Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico .. This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations..

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:

Albert A. Gore, Jr.
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep and jackasses?

I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you. It did for me.

No wonder they support the bill to help illegal aliens!

Now You Know.


Since this is so easily debunked, I'm just going to link to another poster on another site who's already done the work:

Quote:
March of 1948 huh?

Hillary Rodham Clinton's birthday 26 Oct 1947
John F. Kerry's birthday 11 Dec 1943
William J. Clinton's birthday 19 Aug 1946
Howard Dean's birthday 17 Nov 1948
Nancy Pelosi's birthday 26 Mar 1940
Dianne Feinstein's birthday 22 Jun 1933
Charles E. Schumer's birthday 23 Nov 1950
Barbara Boxer's birthday 11 Nov 1940


Link

No offense, EJ, but I hate crap like this--it isn't funny. It just reinforces the tendency for people to believe whatever they read and buy into whatever political propaganda any idiot wants to spread (not referring to you, EJ--you quite appropriately posted this in the "Joke Thread"). Yes, I see why it's supposed to be funny--but you'd have to be an ignorant, close-minded partisan sheep to actually think it is. And yes, if someone sent out the same email with Republicans' names, I'd say exactly the same thing. It's not a political issue; it's an intelligence issue.

Sorry for the rant. We now return you to your regularly scheduled laughter.
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Justin
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 03, 2009 9:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Exactly what I was thinking.
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EvilJuan
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 04, 2009 8:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

DesertKnight wrote:
EvilJuan wrote:
Just received this as an email:

Sorry for the rant. We now return you to your regularly scheduled laughter.


Actually, I'm disappointed because no one has said anything about my post (What Welshmen Do for Fun) just before the bogus political email... Crying or Very sad Wink Laughing
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qudjy1
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 04, 2009 8:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

EvilJuan wrote:
What Welshmen Do for Fun

Definitely safe for work -- unless laughing uproariously is frowned upon!

No sheep were harmed during the making of this film.

Laughing Laughing Laughing


O
M
G.

Laughing
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DesertKnight
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 04, 2009 9:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

EvilJuan wrote:
DesertKnight wrote:
EvilJuan wrote:
Just received this as an email:

Sorry for the rant. We now return you to your regularly scheduled laughter.


Actually, I'm disappointed because no one has said anything about my post (What Welshmen Do for Fun) just before the bogus political email... Crying or Very sad Wink Laughing


I thought the Pong part was just sublime! Of course, half the people on this board are too young to remember Pong...
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EvilJuan
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 04, 2009 9:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

qudjy1 wrote:

O
M
G.

Laughing


Thank you! Very Happy

Oh, and I sent DesertKnight's list of actual dates of birth to the person who sent me the original message. I'm waiting to see if they reply... Wink
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EvilJuan
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 04, 2009 9:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

DesertKnight wrote:
I thought the Pong part was just sublime! Of course, half the people on this board are too young to remember Pong...


Don't they cover that in history classes in schools these days? Wink

I have to admit that, first time through, I was so busy studying the screen to try to tell whether what was there was real, or a simulation, that I didn't figure out they were playing Pong until the score changed... Embarassed But that just made it even better the second time through! Razz
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