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The Joke Thread
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shoewizard
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 18, 2007 7:53 am    Post subject: The Joke Thread Reply with quote

I thought I'd start a joke thread. I know it's lame, but once in a while I read one that strikes my funny bone and feel like sharing it...so what the hell.

Here's one

Subject: Italian Golfer

An 80-year old-Italian man goes to a doctor for a check-up. The
doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you
stay in such great physical condition?"

I'm Italian and I am a golfer," says the old guy,” and that's why I'm in
such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down
the fairways. Have a glass of vino, and all is well."

"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more
to it. How old was your Dad when he died?"

"Who said my Dad's dead?"

The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still
alive. How old is he?"

"He's 100 years old," says the old-Italian golfer. "In fact he golfed with
me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk, that's
why he's still alive."

"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it
than that t. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my grandpa's dead?"

Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your
grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?"

"He's 118 years old," says the old-Italian golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went
golfing with you this morning too?"

"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."

At this point the doctor is close to losing it "Getting married!!
Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to?"
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DBACKSHEELSPANTHS
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 18, 2007 5:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Kindof a joke...extremely funny if nothing else (to me anyway). Just watch it! Laughing

http://www.explosm.net/movies/124/
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DesertKnight
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 18, 2007 7:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A Catholic priest told me this one, and I've always liked it. It's a golf joke, and I don't know squat about golf, so I might get the clubs wrong. It's a bit long, but I think it's worth it.


Jesus and Moses are out golfing. Moses steps up to the tee, puts his ball down, stares down the fairway, then hits a fabulous shot that ends up just feet from the hole. Jesus says, "Nice shot, Moses, but wait until you see this." He pulls out a 2 iron and steps up to the tee.

Moses says, "Wait a minute, Jesus--you can't hit this shot with a 2 iron--you need a driver for it." Jesus replies, "Nope. I saw Tiger Woods hit this shot with a 2 iron, and if he can do it, I can do it."

"I'm telling you, you need a driver--here, you can use mine."

"No, I'm using the iron. Watch this!"

So Jesus hits the ball, and it goes straight into the middle of a water trap. Jesus turns to Moses and says, "Moses, will you please go get my ball?" Moses agrees, walks over the water trap, parts the water, walks down into the mud and gets Jesus' ball. He gives it to Jesus, who winds up with the 2 iron again. Moses says, "Now wait a minute! You just tried that, and smacked it into the water! I'm telling you, you need a driver!" "No, I don't. Tiger Woods can do it, so I can do it. I just didn't judge the wind right last time. Here we go."

So he swings again and hits it straight into the water again. "Moses, will you go get my ball?" "Fine," Moses says and goes over to the water trap. He parts the water and retrieves Jesus' ball again. He hands it back to Jesus, who immediately gets ready to swing again.

"Hold it. I keep telling you that you need a driver."

"Dammit, Moses, if Tiger Woods can hit this shot with a 2 iron, the Son of God can hit this shot with a 2 iron!" Jesus barks back.

"Fine, but I'm not going after it again."

Jesus hits the ball and -- plop! -- right in the same water trap. Jesus turns to Moses and says, "Moses..."

"No! I told you three times that you can't hit that shot with a 2 iron, but nooooo, you wouldn't listen, so get your own damn ball!"

Jesus storms over to the water trap, and walks out on the water looking down for his ball. Just then, another pair of golfers walk up and see this. One says to Moses, "Who does that guy think he is? Jesus Christ?"

"No--Tiger Woods," Moses answers.
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moviegeekjn
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 18, 2007 8:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

DesertKnight reminded me of a similar golfing joke I heard a while back on NPR:

Moses, Jesus and an old man were out golfing one day.

Moses drives his ball and it bounced off a tree into a water hazard. So he parts the water and knocks the ball onto the green.

Jesus drives his ball and it bounces off two trees into the water. So he walks on the water and scoops his ball onto the green.

The old man drives his ball. It bounces off a tree into the water, the ball is eaten by a fish, which swims to the surface and is nabbed by a bird, which flies upward and is struck by lightning and crashes onto the green. The fish flops out of its mouth, and the ball rolls out of the fish and into the hole.

Moses turns to Jesus and says, "I hate playing with your dad."

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TAP
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 18, 2007 10:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

DesertKnight wrote:
A Catholic priest told me this one...

seriously? Surprised


And funny stuff, shoe. 118 could work out just fine. Cool
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DesertKnight
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PostPosted: Sun Aug 19, 2007 2:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

TAP wrote:
DesertKnight wrote:
A Catholic priest told me this one...

seriously? Surprised


Yeah. He was younger than your average Catholic priest, and a lot more relaxed. He also told me a version of the joke moviegeek posted above, but instead of a fish, his involved a squirrel and a beaver (ball lands in tree, squirrel brings it down, beaver uses its tail and putts it into the hole). It's a fun joke, because you can make up the entire animal chain, and make it as weird as you want.
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EvilJuan
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PostPosted: Sun Aug 19, 2007 6:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

DesertKnight wrote:
TAP wrote:
DesertKnight wrote:
A Catholic priest told me this one...

seriously? Surprised


Yeah. He was younger than your average Catholic priest, and a lot more relaxed. He also told me a version of the joke moviegeek posted above, but instead of a fish, his involved a squirrel and a beaver (ball lands in tree, squirrel brings it down, beaver uses its tail and putts it into the hole). It's a fun joke, because you can make up the entire animal chain, and make it as weird as you want.


Another version just has Jesus and an old man as the golfers. The sequence is as above; and the punchline has Jesus saying, "Dad, are you going to keep fooling around, or are you going to play golf?"
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moviegeekjn
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 01, 2007 12:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Although not a joke per se.... this Video is spreading fast across the Internet. And don't be surprised if the subject doesn't end up in a high government office.
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shoewizard
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 01, 2007 12:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn, and in the fresh fruits, the scent of watermelon floats on the air.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 01, 2007 12:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

moviegeekjn wrote:
Although not a joke per se.... this Video is spreading fast across the Internet. And don't be surprised if the subject doesn't end up in a high government office.

Wow. Just wow.

Was that Mario López smirking at the end? There were tears in his eyes from containing laughter.

Reminds me of Jay-Walking from The Tonight Show. A couple of years back I was talking with a woman who's had considerable lifetime success in finance. During our conversation it became clear that she was geographically challenged, so I subtly asked if she knew where Africa was. Her response: "South of Mexico?" Seriously.
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EvilJuan
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 03, 2007 9:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Just received this one from a friend...

An old southern country preacher had a teenage son,
and it was getting time the boy should give some
thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men,
the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do,
and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father
decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's
room and placed on his study table four objects:
a Bible,
a silver dollar,
a bottle of whiskey
and a Playboy magazine.

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up.
If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!
If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too.
But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be.
And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine
he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's
footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed
for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.
With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket.
He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while
he admired this month's Centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly
whispered, "he's gonna be a Congressman!"
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qudjy1
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 07, 2007 8:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A Cleveland family of football supporters head out one Saturday to do
their Christmas Shopping. While in the sports store, the son picks up a
Pittsburgh Steeler jersey and says to his older sister, "I've decided to
become a Steeler fan and I would like this for Christmas."

His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the
head and says, "Go talk with mom."

Off goes the little lad with the Pittsburgh Steeler jersey in hand and
finds his mother. "Mom?" "Yes, son?" "I've decided I'm going to be a
Pittsburgh Steeler fan, and I would like this jersey for Christmas." The
mother is outraged, promptly whacks him around the head and says, "Go
see your father."

Off he goes with the Pittsburgh Steeler jersey in hand and finds his
father.

"Dad?" "Yes, son?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Pittsburgh Steeler
fan, and I would like this jersey for Christmas". The father is so
outraged he, too, whacks his son around the head and says, " No son of
mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"

About half hour later they're all back in the car heading towards home.
The father turns to the son and says, "Son, I hope you've learned something today." The son says, "Yes, Dad, I have." "Good, son. What did you learn?"

The son replies, " I've only been a Pittsburgh Steeler fan for an hour
and I already hate you Cleveland bastards."
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XB3
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 07, 2007 2:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

From ESPN

I was golfing with my wife one day. I sliced my shot really badly, and the odds of getting par on the hole was very slim. I had to go through a barn door to have any chance to make par. I had my wife hold the barn door open as I shot. Tragedy happens as my shot goes awry. I strike my wife and she dies. A couple of years later, I'm playing at the exact same course and I see another couple trying to attempt the exact same shot as me. I see this horror and run over to warn the guy: I tried to do the exact same thing once and wound up making double-bogey.
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EvilJuan
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 08, 2007 9:50 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Three Little Pigs - Italian Style

Once upon a time there were three little pigs: One who built his house with straw, one who built his house with sticks, and one who built his house with bricks.

One day a nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !!!

The straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house!" So the stick pig let the straw pig in.

Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !!!

So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said, "Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down!"

So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up The wolf said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." The straw pig and the stick pig were shaking with fear! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.

A few minutes later, a big, black Cadillac pulled up in front of the house. p Two immense pigs in pin-striped suits and fedora hats got out, went over to the wolf, grabbed him by the neck and beat him within an inch of his life. Then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in wolf's mouth and fired, killing the wolf. Then they tied cement blocks around his feet, threw the body into the creek, got back into their Cadillac, and drove away.

The straw pig and stick pig were amazed! "Who did you call?" they asked.

"Those were my cousins... the Guinea Pigs..."
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diamondbacker
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 24, 2007 3:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Alright, so I had to reformat this joke because it was originally aimed at Indian people, but here goes.

One young man went for an interview.
"When did the US get independence?" He was asked.
"The efforts began many years earlier and final result was in 1776" He replied.

"Who was responsible for our independence".
"There were so many. Whom to mention. If I name one it will be a injustice to another. " he replied.

"Is corruption the number one enemy in our country".
"Some research is going on the subject and I can answer with certainty only after seeing the report" He replied.

The interview board was very pleased with his original and thoughtful answers and asked him not to reveal the questions to others, since they were planning to ask the same questions. When he went out naturally others were curious to know what was asked. He politely declined, but one persistent man would not leave him.

"At least tell me the answers" he pleaded, and our friend obliged.Then it was the turn of this man. When he went inside, since his resume was slightly illegible, the board member asked him.

"By the way, what is your date of birth" He replied,
"The effort began many years earlier and final result was in 1776."
Somewhat puzzled, they asked another clarification.
"What is your fathers name"
He replied, "There were so many. whom to mention. If I name one it will be injustice to another."
The interviewer was incensed. "Hey! are you mad or what"
He replied. "Some research is going on the subject. I can answer with certainty only after seeing the report."
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EvilJuan
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 24, 2007 4:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A young seminarian got married to a pious girl. Shortly afterwards he was ordained a minister. His wife told him that she had absolutely nothing to hide from him, but had only one request. She had a box, and she asked that he never look in it or ask about what was in the box. Fifty years passed, and they lived a happy, blessed life together. One night, the old minister's wife asked him to get her slippers from the closet. When he went into the closet, he saw the box and broke his promise; he looked in the box. There he found five eggs and four thousand dollars in cash. The minister closed the box, and confessed to his wife what he had done. She replied, "That is all right, after all this time, it doesn't matter any more." So he asked, "What were the eggs doing there?" She replied, "Every time you gave a bad sermon, I put an egg in the box." The minister was rather relieved, for after 50 years, only five eggs. Then he asked. "What is the four thousand dollars in cash all about?" She replied: "Well, every time I reached a dozen eggs, I sold them at the market."
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shoewizard
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 11, 2007 4:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Things That Are Difficult To Say When You're Drunk:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon


Things That Are Very Difficult To Say When You're Drunk:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate


Things That Are Downright Impossible To Say When You're Drunk:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.
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whatuwant
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 23, 2007 10:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Not a joke, but you'll laugh. link
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TAP
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 31, 2007 11:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The priest entered his donkey in a race and It won. The priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:

PRIEST'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the priest to get rid of the donkey. The priest decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The bishop was buried the next day.
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shoewizard
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 07, 2008 2:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The gun control debate in the other thread made me think of this one to dig out from my e mail files. Wink


Italian Logic

An old Italian Mafia 'Don' is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed.

"Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you always remember me."

"But, Grandpa, I really don't lika guns.. Howz about you leava me your Rolex watch instead?"

"Shuddup an'a lissin. Somma day you gonna runna DA business. You gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a bigga home and maybe a couple a bambinos. Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find your wife inna bed with a nother man. Whadda you gonna do then... Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up'?"
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Adam
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 07, 2008 7:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I always get a good laugh at this idiot. Make sure you have the sound on.
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moviegeekjn
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 12, 2008 11:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

OK... only pretentious film snobs that compose less than .001 % of the population may appreciate this, but some clever cinephile humor in this comic strip: Peet Gelderblom's Directorama
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 12, 2008 11:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A famous surgon bus his dream car A classic Porsche. He owns it for three days and it starts making a loud noise. He calls the nearest place the works on Porsches and they tell him they will be right out.

The tow truck arrives and hauls his prized beauty to Classic Imports. The shop owner comes out and takes his information and tell him he will have to get back to him on what is wrong and how much it will be to fix.

Three days go by and no phone call. Frustrate he stops by the shop on the way to the hospital, "So," He asks the owner, "whats wrong with my car and how much is it going to take to fix it?"

"Well, I have good news and bad news. Which would you like first?"

"Give me the good news first."

"The good news is my son got accepted into Johns Hopkins Medical School."

"Wow...replied the Doctor, "Thats where I went. He will get a great education. Whats the bad news."

"Your gonna be paying for the first two years."

Ba Dammp pa....
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SheriffWannaBe
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 12, 2008 3:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This isn't really a joke, but here are some political cartoons i've taken a liking to over the last few days:

Clinton Double Team

Republicans

Candidates who have all pretty much lost.

McCain Cartoon

Who gets to be captain?
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Adam
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 12, 2008 5:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote


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