A mechanic dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter is there at the gates, and all kinds of lights, bells and whistles are going off. The angels are singing and cheering. The mechanic asks, "what's this all about?"
St. Peter says, "you're the oldest man to have ever walked the earth. Older than Methuselah even. The cheering is for you."
The mechanic says, "I don't understand. I'm only 47."
St. Peter says, "whoops, my bad. I added up your billing hours."
A young nun is sent to town to buy supplies for the convent. On the way home she gets caught in a downpour.
The custodian seemingly concerned for her health suggested that she go down to the boiler room to dry her habit while he put the supplies away. As the nun was drying her habit the custodian walked in on her and being a bashful nun she began attemtping to cover herself with her arms.
"Do not be ashamed my dear. For that is your gateway to heaven," motioning just below her waist. The young nun seemed surprised at this and the custodian continued. "You do want to go to heaven, don't you?"
"Why of course I do!," replied the young nun.
"Then all you need to do is find a key."
"Where do I find the key to my gateway to heaven?," asked the nun.
"Well, my dear. It just so happens that I have an old one on me."
"You do?," asked the young nun with surprise. "Would you give it to me?"
"My dear! It would be my pleasure!!," the custodian responded. With that he unzipped his fly and unlocked her gateway. When he finished, the custodian suggested that her clothes were probably dry and that she shouldn't speak of this to anyone.
The young nun hastily dressed and rushed out of the room. Uncertain about her encounter with the custodian, she went upstairs and confessed everything to her Mother Superior.
The Mother Superior stood from her chair and angrily slammed her desk with a clenched fist. "Why that dirty, old bastard!," shouted the Mother Superior.
"Oh my! Is something wrong Mother Superior? Was I deceived?", asked the young nun.
"We both were sister," screamed the Mother Superior. "For years he's been telling me it was Gabriel's Horn and I've been blowing it!!" _________________ Let's develop some more quality starting pitching.
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of
Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later
huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost
10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most
stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.. She is
wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that
reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent
shape and he does his best, but no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually
getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he
discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go
for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone... 'This is our
most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds
a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running
shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're
There was a guy in a bar just looking at his drink. He stayed like that for half an hour. Then a big troublemaking truck driver steps up next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on, man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”
“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and got to my office late. My boss was outraged and fired me. When I went to leave the building, I found out my car was stolen. The police said there was nothing they could do. I got a cab to return home, and just after I got out of the cab, I remembered I left my wallet and credit cards in it, but the cab driver just drove away.
“When I went inside the house, I found my wife in bed with the gardener, so I left and came to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”
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